Attitude key for contact – Forming dialoge with people in crisis
1. It is more simple than you think.
”Express with few words the head problem concrete right now.”
Every journey begins with the first step.
2. All essential resources towards overcoming the crisis are within the person in crisis - not in the helper.
The helper is a resorce.
3. Good help is help to help oneself. All other kinds of help are intrusions.
You can help them as a cathalyst.
4. When you don´t know what to say or do, then that is what you should say or do.
5. You shall not willfully try to accomplish or produce anything such as ”solutions”, ”healing”, ”cure”, ”conversion” or ”happiness”. – ”Don´t push the river!” (Sullivan)
If you push, you become moralistic.
6. Nothing changes until you accept it such as it is. (C.G. Jung)
Life is a flow and we flow with it. If we stop struggle, we can notice that we are carried by the flow.
7. Anxiety comes from not wanting to be where / what you are. (Fritz Perls)
8. The truth will make you free. (Jesus Christ, Joh. 8:31-32)
9. ”Being” goes before and remains after ”doing”.
10. The consolation is that there is no consolation.
Teodicéproblemet: Om Gud är allsmäktig, varför hindrar han då inte det onda i världen? – Jämför Barnamorden i Rama (Matt 2:16–18). There is no consolation. – ”God is the scream.”
11. The person in crisis does not need consolation, but love. ”Love” means ”confirmation of existence” – also when that confirmation takes the form of confrontation. Confirmation of existence happens when you see, hear and respond.
Conclusion: To love is to see, hear and respond. Love is not a feeling, its a process. Not to have an answer. Jfr Haggagga i GT. ”The living who sees.” As long as you – God – is there. (Jfr Jakobs kamp, 1 Mos.32:22-31)
12. Feelings are neither good nor bad, right nor wrong. They just are until they are no more.
13. Life is neither just nor unjust. It just is – until it is no more. Life is unjust – fortunately.
14. When we face what is, we also know what to do with ourselves in our reality, such as it is.
15. a. ”My guilt” must also mean ”my responsibility”.
b. ”My responsibility” must also mean ”my power”.
c. If you feel guilty about something on which you have or had no real influence (you had no real power to change the situation), it must therefore be a false guilt feeling. – Try then instead to find out whom you are angry at.
16. Forgiveness does not remove guilt. It re-establishes the relation in spite of the guilt.
17. ”Love” means ”letting be”.
18. Love has its price. Yet it can neither be bought nor sold.
19. Love that you pay for / work for does not feel like love, when you finally get it – so, save yourself the trouble.
20. When as a helper, or anyone else, you feel:
- that you are not smart enough, it is because you are not ignorant /innocent enough
- that you are not good enough, it is because you are not evil enough
- that you do not have enough to give, it is because you do not take enough
Conclusion: When your sunshine part will take you no further, you must get redemption from your shadow part.
Good therapy is evangelical.
The need for recognition is rather the need for somebody to say: ”You are stupid – and I love you.”
The end retroactively changes the beginning (the passed).
When you don´t have to change, you are able to change.
Anxiety is secondary. It comes from repression of basic feelings.
Existential anxiety is about life and death. Loneliness.
God is very present in his absense.
When you give anger, you give love.
Be concrete: What would happen if – - - ? What would be the worst?
Allow somebody to be a ”lyer” , not to face facts right now.
Bent Falk – Priest and gestalttherapist from Denmark
(Ovanstående är minnesanteckningar av Anna-Karin Elfstrand från Bent Falks föredrag vid en bibliodramakonferens i Bad Segeberg, Tyskland – Evangelische Akademie – 1992.)